One evening, after being my usual exhausted of the daily activities, I found myself standing at the cinema looking at the self-help kiosk attempting to pick a film where I can just sit and stare into oblivion, getting lost, and hopefully just ignore the constant tornado in my head, the goal for those precious minutes which would turn into an hour and a bit was just to switch off… but boy was I wrong. The film I selected was “me before you” clearly I wasn’t aware of what I was about to do to myself.
As the lights went down and the trailers started I was already moving into the couch potato position, stuffing my face with popcorn and a dash of Cadbury’s whispers in between the popcorn and swivel of coca cola.
The film started and there was my traveling soul (which has never left South Africa, yet it has lived in other countries through books and films) screaming for the landscapes in the opening scene, and right there I knew I was in trouble, for the next hour and fifty minutes, I was lost in the world of Louisa Clark and Will Trainor. Popcorn was flying into my mouth while tears and anxiety build up throughout the film.
But the emotions that came with this film, Yoh I was not prepared. (doing the ugly cry in the cinema is not advisable especially the why I do it)
After walking out of the cinema I felt completely bare and confused at the same time, as that film made me question everything I have ever done in my life up until this point. If the film was not enough my next quest was to hunt down the book and read it again, to my surprise I found out there is a sequel (After you-Jojo Moyes) which was a blessing and a curse at the same time as I knew the inevitable would be me lost in books for hours at end not sleeping as my aim would be reading these books, so with coffee in hand, tissues and locking myself away from the world I started reading the books….
And again the ugly cry came, however, this time, I could do it without judgment from the row of people within the cinema. And it was liberating and soul-searching at the same time.
Once I put down the sequel book I was a complete emotional mess with dark circles under my eyes sitting staring into the dark hours of the night and there I sat with a cup of coffee , a cigarette, and my thoughts….
So the books and the film has brought me to a point where I questioned was I living or just existing? And what does that even mean? On what side of the definitive line did I stand?
And as painful as it was to admit to myself the word existing kept on appearing. Now for me at this point in my life the word existing should not be acceptable AT ALL. So here I sit in the still of the night wondering how this word can change to living?
The phase “live boldly. push yourself. don’t settle. live well, Just live”-Jojo Moyes,keeps ringing in my head and somehow the words “Just live” has so much weight to it.
Yet is it so simple to just live? In the film, the character Will Trainor, can’t accept his life and had to make a difficult choice as to what his destiny would be, however, his choice has affected so many individuals.
And there was that word again…. Choice…. (and yes it was only a film and two books, but me being me, the relevance of those books and the films was painfully close to reality)
And for once what I realised in that moment of self-evaluation I was beginning my journey of living, cause for once I didn’t agree with where my life was heading through existing. And to some extent, it was my choice, but within that moment also comes the realisation that it can be my choice to change the outcome of whatever this life of mine should be.
The realisations still stay the same though as we can’t move forward if we have not dealt with our past demons and dragons and once that is done, the road to living, will become clearer, where it will end nobody knows, how it will end nobody knows, was it worth it? I guess one can only answer that question at the end of every day as the present is all we have, cause tomorrow isn’t promised.
My thoughts also kept going to the rest of human race, are we so lost as to whom we are that existing is a better option than living? what has brought us to this point? when will start to change it? when it’s too late?
I can only hope that through my journey of attempting to “just live” that it will hopefully inspire others to do the same.
Jojo Moyes, Thank you for writing those books they were inspirational, and a definite message lies deep within them.
so here I go with my attempt to make the little things count,
from a book to a film to a soul-searching mission which will make existing, change into living, cause this is all we get just this one go at life…
Mmdartistry 